That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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