I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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