My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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