I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
