I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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