3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
