If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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