Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
