Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
