so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
