I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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