So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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