Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Randomize
