He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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