I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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