I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
