while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have fence marks all over my body
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I just sharted jello shots
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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