Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
