My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
