I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
