It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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