I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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