Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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