I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
