took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
