Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
