thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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