Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
