we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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