you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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