I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
