But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
