I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
