and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
