I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
