Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
