Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
