all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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