she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
