Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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