my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
