Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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