He kissed a someone with a penis
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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