There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i believe in u and ur pee
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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