I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
