Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
