3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
