it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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