I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
