mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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